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Most people know that we build powerful business intelligence dashboards here at RJMetrics, but now that we’ve moved to Camden, we figured we ought to take advantage of the long weekend and make a rap video as well. (Unfortunately, the odds are stacked against us– Jake’s favorite rapper is Bo Burnham and I’m so tone deaf that I crashed the auto-tune plugin when we recorded this song.)

Anyway, in what may prove to be the dumbest PR move ever, we decided to augment our dope beats with some unsolicited free advice to tech startups. This was our chance to point out some of the most absurd startup behavior over the past few years. We should know–most of these lines are based on things we’ve done.

Lyrics are below the video. Enjoy!

Big thanks to Adamack from Open Minds Entertainment for the beat, John Keating for his help with the vocals, and my brother James Moore for the studio time and production.

Click Here to download the MP3

Lyrics after the jump.

This recessionary period ain’t messin’ around
I got depression-era economics gettin me down
The internet it ain’t immune, man, everybody’s gettin’ screwed
And yeah it’s true you know, web two-dot-oh is dead in the ground

VC’s drying up, M&A? outta luck
And the rub is you’ll be strugglin’ if your company sucks
Stuck scratchin your head? You’ll be dead in the water
Here’s a couple signs that you’re gonna get slaughtered:

Your six-month peak was a TechCrunch mention
Your churn rate’s deep, you got no retention
You join AdSense and declare success
But your cloud tag’s only got one word: “test”

You built a couple widgets and a wiki that scales
And then you paid your people double cause they did it in rails
But, how you doin’ in sales? I know it’s probably slow, yo
‘Cause I need some aviators just to look at your logo

You got no revenue
Burnin’ cash is all you do
You raised your Series A
Twice-preferred, participating
You’re throwin staff retreats
Better check your balance sheet
Everyone’s convinced
You need business intelligence

See you lata, public beta, do a real release
The whole long tail couldn’t even save this piece
Got a social app? Well, it’s a disgrace, look
‘Cause Facebook can’t even make money on Facebook

You got a podcast, but the point you’re missin’s
Your vision’s so weak, ain’t no one listenin’
SecondLife sales? Man, that plan is the worst
I think you shoulda made a dollar in your first life first

Meet-Ups every day, when you go, pros scatter
You’re LinkedIn to 500+ but none matter
Tryin’ to be distributed, you wanna unbound
But you know nothin’ bout computing, get your head out the cloud

Your API’s slow, it’s a bit too RESTful
Quit tryin’ to grow at a clip, was too stressful
Debt breakin’ covenants, they’re rollin’ it back
Yeah you got all of your investor’s tryin’ to call in a MAC

Not grabbing market share
Market isn’t even there
You think you’re doin’ fine
In stealth mode since ‘99
You’re tweeting constantly
LOL @bankruptcy
You don’t know SEO
You paid for links but they’re nofollowed

Had millions in the bank
Still have no Alexa Rank
Burn out or get acquired
Either way you’re gettin’ fired
Your angel round is gone
Blew it on a favicon
Everyone’s convinced
You need business intelligence

You signed a 10-year lease
I wouldn’t give you 10 weeks
You Loved “Who Moved My Cheese?
Retire, please

Your dedicated server farm is bladed, thats slick
Although you probably woulda made it on an 386
Because your invite-only system, dude it’s hurtin’, it’s flawed
See, all those people you invited ain’t returnin your calls

And it’s only 9-to-5ers who surround your scene
Because Adultfriendfinder’s where you found your team
Tried to hire talent but you screwed it up, didn’tcha
‘Cause your wanted ad said you were hirin’ ninjas

Yeah we know we’re hypocrites for doin this song
And then promotin’ it by posting on the company blog
But a new day is dawnin’, the strong they can sense it
Darwin is comin’ to the ‘net with a vengeance

If you’re sittin on a winner, yo, you wanna be strapped
So if you want to push it harder, best be trackin your stats
And I ain’t talkin’ bout your traffic, man I’m way past that
Wanna fatten up your stacks? Let’s chat…

Business Intelligence… (repeat)